Fuck Off Wicks!

“Good Morning! How are you?” so rhymes the standard greeting as minions arrive for the daily grind barely tolerating their own selves let alone each other. Correct response of course is “Fine, and you?”


An ancient curmudgeon form my homeland when asked after he would respond with.

“What! You’re a fucking Doctor Now?” Its to this man that I owe my joy of upsetting people.


It is my belief that as no one is really listening one should get a little more creative and enjoy some of the uncomfortable or amused expressions. 


My personal favourite is during a thirty second elevator ride. A colleague joins you in that enclosed space, and while avoiding eye contact, indulges in the standard greeting to which one must reply using your low breathy and sad voice “Depressed, suicidal.” Long pause whilst ones fellow rider wishes that thirty seconds would go by faster. Just as the doors open you announce “I may throw myself off of my shoes later.”


The astute will get the jest immediately call you an idiot then go about their morning with a half baked smile on their faces. The others will be so glad they got away from you before you did anything insane.


My next fave is to respond in an over zealous voice “ABSOLUTELY MODERATE. How about you, I trust I find you in a similar Marvy State?” This, as one might imagine, elicits  a “Fuck Off Wicks.” Not friendly I grant you, but positive. . .in a manner speaking. To which one must reply, as they scurry along the hallways in a foolish attempt to escape, “I understand your hesitance. I have applied for a mood upgrade.” Then add with a beaming smile. “But you know management.”

It is entirely possible you will be beaten to a pulp by weeks end but at least you will have had a lot of fun en route to that beating. 


Go forth my disciple and shock the world.